I’m taking one for the team here folks – this was originally supposed to be DivaFoof’s review but she’s not really in a masturbatory mood, having been rather unwell recently. Ah well, I guess I’ll just have to soldier on in her place!

Does it have BEES in it??

The first thing I did when presented with a bottle of Royal Jelly lube is look to see if it actually had any bee products in it (Royal Jelly being the substance which honeybees make to feed to their larvae and adult Queens). This product doesn’t involve real bees at all – but it does contain glycerin*, which isn’t good news for you veggies and vegans out there who are looking to get slippery.

(NB: reassuring though, for those of you who have read the horror story “Royal Jelly” by Roald Dahl (from the “Kiss Kiss” collection). No danger of turning into a bee from using this product either.)

What’s the buzz?

Picture of the Royal Jelly lube bottle with Hot Octopuss logo

The bottle is elegantly understated – clear, sturdy plastic with a full-length label that has a pattern of grey diamonds shading darker at the bottom. The writing on the label is white which makes it a bit difficult to read the ingredients on the back but the name and Hot Octopuss brand on the front are clear enough that I’m not too likely to mistake the lube for shower gel or bubble bath. However, to the casual glance it doesn’t scream “SEX AID” so if I do carelessly leave it lying around in view of others, it probably won’t register on their consciousness at all.

Nectar or nope?

Royal Jelly lube is fragrance-free but not odourless – it smells vaguely reminiscent of the lube they use on you when you have a vaginal ultrasound (not a massively sexy association), but that’s not unique to this lube (the Jo lube is similar in smell). You have to get right up close to detect it though, so for wanking it’s not offputting. When combined with natural Me juices, the lube-y smell is no longer detectable, so as long as you leave the finger-sniffing until after the sexy time is well under way, there’s nothing to complain about.

The lube is water-based, so it is safe to use with your silicone and latex-based paraphernalia, and it’s clear in appearance so unlikely to cause any “OMG WTF, my bits have turned blue/green/crimson/orange, get me to a doctor!”-type panic for those of an absent-minded disposition.

Waggle dancing

It feels goooood while in use – not too thick, but not watery. It mimics natural lubrication quite well and lasts well too – although it dries very sticky and stays that way. No rolling over and drifting off to sleep after a session with this stuff – not unless you want to wake up later with your thighs and fingers glued together. Awkward.

I know the Royal Jelly is marketed as being ideal for use with Hot Octopuss toys and I have a Queen Bee but I’m sorry to say I just can’t really get into/off on it. (I think it’s the large surface area of the vibration – I like my clit stimulation a LOT more focused). I don’t use the QB for much more than a warmup to the main event but I did check it out in case the Royal Jelly made a difference to my responses. It didn’t. OK, onto the Preferred Wanking Equipment then. In the case of this testing session, that was my trusty Fun Factory Tiger – a nice big fat 7-inch hunk of ribbed silicone which I always need extra lube to accommodate.

The Royal Jelly did its job beautifully, both easing the Tiger into me and allowing me to pound myself with it quite a lot more roughly than I’d usually attempt. Yummy.

I also tried deep-throating the feline foof-filler but alas, that didn’t go so well as this lube is overpoweringly sweet to the taste (that’ll be the glycerin and glycol then). Not really a plus in my view, albeit that might be a bonus for others who like their sucking to be sweet-tasting. While I do have a sweet tooth when it comes to food, I found the sheer intensity of the sweetness of this lube alongside the vaguely hospital-reminiscent smell to be more weird than wank-enhancing. The sweetness definitely overpowers the taste of my own self, which seems a shame as the natural stuff is one of the best flavours in the universe, no? However, not everyone has the luxury of producing enough of their own, so between a dry twat and a sweet, slippery one; the Royal Jelly definitely takes the crown.

A little goes a long way – I can tell that this bottle is going to last me quite a while (even with the inordinate amount of wanking I do and the serious frequency with which The Fella and I indulge in each other). Speaking of which….

A hum of approval

….Royal Jelly is good – no, great – for anal play. I tested this with one of my glass toys (mmm, smooth, cold solid glass sliding into the arse….) and was delighted with the result – slippery and frictionless even after a good ten minutes or so. As The Fella and I both enjoy him giving me a thorough and enthusiastic arse-fucking on a frequent basis, suitability for buttsex is one of my main acceptance criteria for a lube.

Nearly as good – Royal Jelly really doesn’t stain, which is a huge plus. It means I can leave my lube-slathered toys lying on the duvet while I get my breath back instead of having to scramble for tissues as soon as I’ve detached/extracted/relinquished whatever appliance I’m making the intimate acquaintance of this time.

All in all – jolly decent stuff.

(*The full ingredients are: water, glycerin, propylene, glycol, cellulose gum, EDTA, carbomer, PEG-90M, tetrahydroxypropyl, ethylenediamine, methylparaben, sodium benzoate, potassium sorbate)

Verdict:

Pros:

  • No staining
  • Good for buttsex
  • Consistency while in use
  • Attractive packaging
  • Only small dollops required for effectiveness

Cons:

  • Sticky as honey when it ‘dries’
  • Very sweet taste (also like honey)
  • Not vegetarian/vegan-friendly
  • Smells more businesslike than sensual

Zebra Rose rating: 7/10

If your looking to but some Hot Octopus Royal Jelly Lube online then check out the Hot Octopus Website.